The White Orchid
by mangolatte
Summary: Severus Snape's journey into death.


A/N: Happy X-mas Audra!

_The White Orchid _

_"What is done out of love always takes place beyond good and evil."_

Friedrich Nietzsche

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"...Snape looked as though there was no blood left in him, his grip on Harry's robes slackened.

"Look...at...me..." he whispered.

The green eyes found the black, but after a second, something in the depths of the dark pair seemed to vanish, leaving them fixed, blanked, and empty. The hand holding Harry thudded to the floor, and Snape moved no more."

-Deathly Hallows, pg. 658

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Severus Snape's last moments were filled with agony, but the release from his broken body came as a relief. Those eyes - Lily's eyes - were lost from view as he left his body. The dark shrieking shack and the oppressive night left, with its smell of damp and agitation. His conscious was rushed to a shadowy world, where none of the staples from his previous life existed. All noise had ceased. Snape no longer felt the support of a tangible body. He had no hands, no arms, no body, no head, but was just a pair of invisible eyes with consciousness.

Snape had no time for coherent thought as he instantly left the shadowy world and appeared in new surroundings. He felt his body position change and a cold, hard, quietly rumbling surface press against his left cheek. All the physically agonizing pain of mere seconds ago was only a ghostly memory in his neck. Snape did not open his eyes as he felt his new environment. There was a fierce wind overhead, a colossal crashing noise below, and the ground underneath was crumbly and sharp. It took a few moments for coherent thought to return.

Snape decided to squint at his surroundings. He cracked his eyes and saw he was laying face-down on a small and irregularly shaped rock, with the edges disappearing into the air. Snape didn't particularly like or understand this new position, and he felt a bit out of sorts, so he decided to close his eyes and to think logically about how he could have arrived here. _Could I have possibly traveled by portkey? But traveling in the shadowy world without a body did not feel anything like a portkey, so that wasn't it. It was definitely not floo powder or apparation because I was dying only a second ago...wait. I was dying only a second ago. Why was I here and all my pain gone?_ Snape reached up to feel his neck. There was no wound, no blood, not even any irregular skin from a scar or tingling of magic from it being healed. Snape furrowed his brow as he thought, _why has my body healed so quickly?_

Then the answer struck like a curse in the back and struck with painful intensity.

He had died.

His eyes flew open at that thought. That put this rock place in a whole new context. Snape now looked around with more interest and felt despair at what he found.

So this must be hell.

Pushing himself shakily up to support his bodyweight on all fours, he felt the cold, deep penetration of the wind whipping his hair about. Touching the ground with his numb fingers, he felt sandstone, hard and jagged. Looking around at the crumbling area, he noticed that this circle of sandstone was only large enough to contain his own body at full length. He could not see any ground beyond it, just gray darkness. Confused by this, Snape peered over the edge, and froze, petrified. His fingers became white he gripped the edge of sandstone too tightly. Snape looked down and saw a truly frightening scene.

About one hundred feet below his tiny isolated cliff was a mad, sinister ocean. Fifty foot swells were crashing into the supporting rock underneath, causing this banished outcropping to noticeably shake. The noise was incredible; the incessant pounding of waves and wild whipping of the fierce, dark water looked as if the ocean had a vendetta against the cliff and was wrecking havoc in retribution. The air smelled salty below, but with an underlying scent of rotting flesh that was unsettling, disturbing. As Snape peered over the edge of the cliff to look at this scene his face was quickly drenched as the wind drove the water upward along the cliff's pillar.

Snape crept back from the edge and tucked his head between his arms to relieve his ears from the ocean's scream and the wind's howl. _So this is my hell. It is quite fitting to be completely isolated like this,_ he thought with despair, _because even though I isolated myself throughout my life, what I always searched and yearned for was someone's - _anyone's_ - acceptance and companionship._ That thought came excruciatingly now as he looked at his new existence. Coupled with his intense fear of heights, this was his perfect hell.

Snape squeezed his ears more tightly between his arms to block out the wind and noise. _Well,_ he thought with ironic amusement, _at least having this thought process proves there is some sort of afterlife._ He had discussed death with Dumbledore before. While Albus thought with certainty there would be heaven, Snape was skeptical. _Dumbledore was only partially right,_ he thought sardonically, _there is an afterlife, but no heaven for me._ He always knew, afterlife or no, there would be no paradise awaiting his release from earth, an eternity of bliss in payment of his struggles on earth. He had too many unforgivable deeds to his name to find any reward awaiting him. Besides, the only heaven he could imagine was with a person he knew he could not spend it with.

Snape let out a quiet sigh through his nose and gripped his hair tightly in his fists. He had known despair in his life, but discovering this fate had been awaiting him brought new torture to his soul. Snape took a few steadying breaths, trying to check his fear and anger, to stay strong. Casting about for something else to focus on, Snape's eyes focused on the sky above. Instead of the same madness, like the ocean below, Snape saw a sky that surprised him. Even though the wind still thrashed his body, the sky was incredibly peaceful. There was mist above, making light filter down opaquely with an odd ethereal glow. Snape looked at this sky thoughtfully. He couldn't understand why this sky was so peaceful, starkly contrasting the turbulence below. He couldn't understand why this sky was glowing, or how if he listened hard enough, it sounded like it was trying to whisper to him. He couldn't understand why this sky gave him hope, or why his eyes were suddenly wet.

Snape laid down on the frozen surface, staring at the sky. He began to consider the world he had suddenly left. He debated who would win the final struggle. He hoped with all his being that it would be Harry. Harry, his charge for all these years, watching over him to protect him, to keep him safe, because he was Lily's son.

Snape's mind inevitably drifted to Lily herself. He lay there for an incalculable measure of time, replaying in his mind all the time he ever spent in Lily's presence. _Lily, Lily...how could I be so selfish?_ He thought with the same remorse, the same awful pain in his heart, clawing at his flesh, bursting to be free of his body but always _always_ inescapably trapped. The guilt for her death always seemed fresh every time he allowed himself to think of her. He felt his inexorable anger bursting at his limit, the sky's secret whispering sounding like mocking to him now, contemptuously saying his sacrifices for Lily and the protection of her son weren't sufficient enough for heaven. His anger morphed into despair and Snape shifted to his side and began to cry.

The tears rolled sideways down his face and wetted the ground he laid on. His gasping sobs were raspy, as if his body wasn't accustom to expressing such emotion. Anger and regret poured out of his body through his tears, saturating them with remorse, but the tears gave him no relief. Eventually his crying slowed to silent tears that dried on his face; he let his emptiness consume him.

Snape lay in the same position for what could have been minutes or years, time was impossible to judge here. He wallowed in his regret, replaying memories with Lily and occasionally letting silent tears roll to the ground.

After the river had run dry, and an eternity of seconds passed, Snape felt an object between the ground and himself grazing his cheek. It was almost tickling him. Snape lifted his head slightly to see the new texture. In the damp ground where his tears still remained, a tiny leaf was timidly peeking out. Snape's eyebrows rose in shock and amazement as he stared at the tiny plant. _Something was growing in my hell? Was this possibly some new form of punishment? Perhaps a flesh-eating plant to fend off for eternity?_ Snape cautiously reached a shaky hand to feel the leaf, in an effort to try to identify it. When he felt the leaf, it was surprisingly warm and, although Snape thought his eyes were playing tricks on him, but it looked like it leaned into his touch. Softened by this action, Snape's lips twitched into a ghost of a smile.

As time passed, Snape watched over the plant as it slowly grew with his loving care. As the stalk grew taller and the leaves bigger, Snape thought of it as his companion in this horrid place. He shielded it with his body when winds were especially fierce and even talked softly to it when he was especially lonely. The circle of tears that dampened the ground around the plant never dried. The plant became a bright star in his black existence, and hope inside him grew along with the plant, hope that this horrendous existence may not be his eternity.

The plant steadily grew hearty and strong. Even as the wind screamed in protest and the water's rage continued, the plant remained solid. Snape watched all of this with fascination; he had never taken the time to watch a flower grow. And finally, a single bud began to form on the top of the stem.

Somewhere between an epoch and eternity, when Snape was studying the new bud, another miraculous event occurred. A Ladybug materialized on the wind. It appeared suddenly and drifted down to land on top of the bud. Snape's mouth twitched again as his eyes followed the Ladybug scurrying around the plant's closed petals. The Ladybug eventually took flight again, but Snape could not stop the feeling of hope that grew more rapidly at the sight of more life.

Slowly, slowly, as though he was being tortured rather than watching a flower, it bloomed gloriously. In his heart already knew what it would be. The delicate bloom was a white orchid. It was Lily's favorite flower. As his hopes and fears were confirmed, he reached his unsteady hand to touch the pedal. As he felt its softness, his emotions arose again and he had no hope to contain them. He did not deserve this beauty in hell, especially beauty so pure and so vividly reminded him of Lily. The tears ran freely again and he buried his face in his hand and cried in earnest.

Snape sobbed with all his heart, with the sadistic wind pounding him harder than ever. Snape could not get Lily out of his head. "Lily, Lily..." he whispered into his hands. "Severus..." a voice whispered back. Snape tried to ignore the whispers of the misty sky, annoyed that he was hearing it speak again. "Severus...Severus..." The whispering was getting louder now, and sounded a lot more substantial. Snape looked up from his hand and what he saw stole his breath.

Lily was sitting across from him and the flower, as if this was a very natural place to be. She was sitting cris-cross applesauce, dressed in a long and simple white dress, and was close enough that Snape could actually reach out his arm to touch her if he was willing. Her hair was long and free-flowing, vibrantly red and beautiful. Snape soaked in her face, large eyes, small nose, and lips quirked into a smile that tried not to look amused, but failed. She had her hands folded in her lap, watching for his next move.

Snape's whole world had suddenly shrunk to an infinitesimal size where only Lily existed. _How could this be? Why was she here? Was she actually here, or has my mind finally snapped?_

Snape swallowed the lump in his throat, but his voice still came out in a croak, "Are...are you really here?"

Lily's smile widened, "Yep, I'm really here."

He looked at her in amazement, "Why? This is hell. You couldn't have possibly ended up here."

Lily let out a ghost of a giggle, "Well, it looked like you needed some company."

They stared at each other for a moment before Lily finally gave him a serious look.

"Severus," she said as she reached out to touch his hand, "why are you here?"

Snape closed his eyes at her touch. He dreamed of her being alive again, of her gentle compassion, and her being here now in this dark place was too much for him. Silent tears began cascading from his eyes again.

Snape drew a shuddering breath trying to still the tears, so Lily withdrew her hand gently, allowing Snape to think clearly again, but she did not pull her body away. Instead, she stared intently into his troubled face.

Snape silently willed his tears to stop and brought his own eyes up to meet her stare, "What do you mean, 'why am I here?' I've done horrible things in my life," Snape sighed as he clasp his shaky hands together, "This is hell." Snape broke eye contact and stared down at his hands, "I deserve this heinous punishment. Well, right now it's not so heinous..."

Lily smiled at Snape and shook her head, "Sev," Snape's eyes jerked back to Lily's at the use of his nickname, "although you cannot see yourself clearly, you are filled with great dignity and devotion. You have watched over my son, protected him, and kept him alive. Although you may have done those things a little grudgingly at times," she said with a laugh, "I do know your reason behind your actions."

Snape's heart filled with such hope and joy at her words, she had been watching _him_ in her afterlife, "You do?" he questioned.

"Yes," she laughed again, "but I think you may have been tormenting yourself here, and you do not remember that reason. It's one of your most admirable qualities that gives you such virtue that I have never seen equal. It's why I love you so much Severus."

Snape's eyes widened at her last statement as his heart filled with joyous pain at her words.

"You d-do?" he choked.

Lily would only smile in response, cocking her head slightly to the side to give him the look he knew well, the one that said _"You are being quite ridiculous about this."_

Snape could only stare back at her, drinking in her beautiful eyes, while she gazed back intensely. Snape found such peace in his heart at her words. She loved him. She loves him now. Were there no ends to her compassion? Looking at her now he finally did remember his reason.

Never taking his eyes off hers, Snape reached out in between them and gently pulled the white orchid from the ground. Snape glanced down at the flower and delicately touched one of its petals, before almost self consciously offering Lily the flower, his only companion in this dark world.

Lily accepted the flower and looked down lovingly at it, smelling its fragrance. She glanced back up into Snape's eyes. "You would do this for me?" she questioned

Without missing a beat, Snape replied, "I would do anything for you."

Lily smiled her inviting smile that could always disarm him, and she suddenly started to dissolve with the flower in a hazy mirage. Snape was not alarmed at her leaving, but continued to smile contently. The winds around him started to lessen their howl and the seas quiet their crash. He noticed the surroundings getting perceptively lighter, like the long-awaited sun rising after a lifetime of darkness. He looked up to see the mist beginning to clear and a warm orb of light began to shine down on him, gently heating his body and brightening his world. Feeling a quiet sense of peace in his heart, he lifted his head so his face could soak in the new sun's light. Snape's body also began to fade from eyesight and he vanished from the sea cliff.

A/N: Please Review! Critique is appreciated!


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